About Horizon
by KayraCousland
Summary: Kaidan has been haunted with Shepard's death for the past two years. What will happen now that she is standing in front of him, alive? Kaidan's POV of Horizon and dealing with the death of the woman he loves.
1. Chapter 1

Just finished Horizon for the third time and as always that mission angered me. Why every single male characters I love in Bioware's games end up dumping the girl at least once for no good reasons? Yeah okay she had a shady past, she made one of them king and she died. So what?

Horizon was just wrong. Not wrong, it just sucked. I was thrilled to see Kaidan, until he opened it up and dumped my character. Again! I still love all those male characters though but do they really need to act like jerks? I guess that's why fantasies are for : make things right!

So this short story is about Horizon, maybe not really how I wanted it to be (hell, Kaidan would have been part of my team again if it was up to me!) but at least it's less shitty and Kaidan isn't such a jerk. The story is from Kaidan's point of view, it's about his feelings.

After the third time I thought maybe it was time to exorcise this mission. Thank you for reading, I hope you will appreciate it :)

* * *

_Kaidan's eyes were closed, his arms tightly wrapped around her. Her head was resting on his chest, her fingers gently caressing the skin of his stom__ach, sending shivers through his entire body. He smiled, silently thanking whatever God that might exist for this moment. Never in his life had he felt better than when he was with her. He had told her everything about him, things he never told anyone before. With her he could be himself._

"_I want to spend the rest of my life with you." he whispered, only realizing he had spoken out loud when she raised her head and looked at him__, surprised. _

Well, maybe being myself around her isn't always a good idea._ he thought. So many times before he had been in that kind of situation, always talking before thinking when she was around. _

_He felt his cheeks burning with shame, his heart hammering __with uncertainty in his chest. He wanted to run out of the room and hide. She meant everything to him but he didn't know if she felt the same. He knew she at least liked being with him but he didn't know if she wanted a serious relationship or not. _

_It seemed like an eternity to him before she talked, though only a second had passed._

"_Are you proposing, Kaidan?" she asked, a sly smile spreading on her face before kissing his lips tenderly. _

"_Maybe." he replied, relieved. He smiled back at her as he pulled her down for a passionate kiss, his hands caressing her naked back as she climbed on top of him._

"_Commander." Joker's voice interrupted through the intercom._

"_Damn it." she cursed angrily. "If I ever hear you are spying on us Joker I'm going to kill you myself." _

"_You realize you just said us?" Kaidan whispered, grinning._

"_It's not as if he didn't already know you are here." she smiled mischievously._

"_An unidentified vessel appeared on our scanners, Commander. It doesn't match any known signature." he said, ignoring his commander's outburst. _

"_I__s it a Geth ship?"_

"_It's not the... Brace for evasive maneuvers!" he shouted before they felt the impact of the attack. _

"_Damn it." she cursed again, getting out of bed and putting her armor on as fast as she could. _

"_I'll meet you on the bridge." Kaidan said as he dressed quickly before heading to get his own armor. _

_Kaidan was running to the bridge, carefully avoiding the bodies strewn on the floor._

"_Shepard!" he shouted as soon as he saw her. _

"_Distress beacon is ready for launch." she informed him calmly._

"_Will the Alliance get here in time?"_

"_They damn well better." _

_Something exploded beside Kaidan; he groaned as he lost his balance and hit something hard. _

"_I'm not doing this so they can find our frozen corpses. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles." She said, trying to extinguish the fire nearby._

"_Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." He found another extinguisher and helped her with the fire. "I'm not leaving either."_

_She grabbed his__ arm firmly and looked at him through her visor. "I need you to get the crew to the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." She started towards the cockpit, leaving him to do what she asked._

"_Sam." he called. She turned to face him. "Think about what I've told you." _

"_I am." she replied softly and he could see the smile in her eyes. _

"_I love you." he blurted. He never imagined telling her in that kind of situation. He wanted something more romantic, something perfect, but he wanted her to know, _needed_ her to know now, just in case._

"_I love you too." She stayed there for a moment, holding onto loose cables not to fall. "Now get the hell out of here before I change my mind." she said laughing._

_Kaidan couldn't help but smile. "Aye, aye, Commander." He turned and ran to the evac shuttles, making sure the survivors would make it out of there alive._

_The door to the last shuttle opened, Joker came out. Kaidan's eyes were searching the shuttle's interior but he couldn't find her. His heart stopped. He knew there was no other shuttle, this one was the last. _

"_Where is she?" he asked, not sure how the words got out. He felt as if he was a stranger in his own body, as if he was witnessing the event through someone else's eyes. _

"_I'm sorry, Lieutenant, she -" Joker started but he interrupted him._

"_No. She can't be." he said, panic seizing him as the unspoken words sank in slowly in his brain. _

_He felt someone grab his arm, lead him to a seat. He felt his heart break in his chest, the pain was unbearable. She couldn't be dead, it was too unfair... _

Kaidan woke up, his eyes opening wide, his heart hammering in his chest, his body covered with cold sweat. He took deep breaths to calm himself and wiped his forehead. Burning tears were already forming in his eyes. Another nightmare. Kaidan sat in his bed, wondering when they would stop, wondering _if_ they would ever stop. Deep down he knew they wouldn't, he knew they'd keep haunting him for the rest of his life. Kaidan sighed, his head collapsing on his pillow, his eyes staring at the ceiling.

_Why?_ he kept asking himself for the past two years. _Why did she have to die now, when I just found her? _He rolled on his side, his fingers lingering on the bed sheets beside him as a single tear rolled on his cheek. He would give anything to be with her again, to hold her tight, to tell her how much she meant to him.

"Commander." the metallic voice on the intercom startled him.

"Yes, what is it?" he asked, hoping his voice wouldn't betray his emotions.

"We'll be on Horizon in thirty minutes."

"Thank you. I'll be on the bridge soon."


	2. Chapter 2

_Final chapter of this story. Hope it is better than the game :P Well at least Kaidan isn't a jerk in that one. _

_Thanks for the support it really means a lot to me_ :)

- And forgot to mention it in the last chapter : some part of the dialogue is from the game.

_Enjoy your reading! :)_

* * *

Kaidan recognized her voice in the distance, his heart leapt in his chest. So many times he had hoped for that particular moment but now that his prayers were answered he didn't know what to do or what to expect. Would she still be the same woman he loved? Would she still remember the time they shared together?

"Shepard? Wait, I know that name." a masculine voice said. "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Specter. Savior of the Citadel. You are in the presence of a legend, Delan." Kaidan headed towards them, his eyes fixed on her. "And a ghost." he ended sadly. He knew she was really there but it seemed surreal somehow, as if she was so close but so far at the same time.

He heard the man say something but couldn't make out the words. Not that Kaidan really cared anyway. All his attention was focused on her, on the smile on her face as she saw him, the brightness of her eyes and the butterflies in his stomach.

"Kaidan!" she exclaimed happily, running to him.

Before he even had a chance to think her body was pressed against his, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Their eyes met for a second before he was sent back to the past. Their lips sealed with a kiss and Kaidan forgot. He forgot the pain, the tears, the nightmares. It was as if the last two years never happened, as if it had only been a bad dream. For a moment it was as if she never died, she wasn't with Cerberus, the Reaper's had been defeated. But most importantly, they were together. He would soon wake up in the captain's cabin, her head on his chest, sleeping peacefully.

But too soon the kiss was over as they had to catch their breath and with it his illusions. He looked at her attentively. She was just as he remembered, her blue eyes shining in the sunlight, her dark brown hair loosely tied, her full lips smiling tenderly at him. Reality hit him when he noticed something new, the proof she had indeed been taken from him; he saw the healing scar on her left cheek. Kaidan broke the embrace and stepped back.

"I thought you were dead. We all did."

"I was. It took two years but they brought me back."

"Why didn't you try to contact me? You should have let me know you were alive."

"I wanted to but your file is classified and Anderson wouldn't tell me where you were." Her fingers caressed his cheek gently.

"I heard rumours you were still alive but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't believe it." He took her hands, their fingers intertwining. "It has been so hard to overcome your death, to deal with the pain. I loved you so much, it tore me apart." The constant pain brought tears to his eyes and he struggled to remain strong before her.

"Kaidan." she tried to say something but he didn't let her.

"They told me you were working for the enemy. Please, tell me they are mistaken. Tell me you are not working for Cerberus."

"I'm sorry, I can't. I am not one of them but I'm working with them to stop the Collectors." She locked her eyes on his, silently pleading him to understand without judging her. "They brought me back to defeat them. The Council won't do anything, they don't believe me."

"But Cerberus, Sam? Do you even remember what they did?" his voice had an angry edge in it as he remembered the atrocities they witnessed years ago.

"I know what they are and what they did. And I know what I'm doing." Her tone was resolute.

"You always did what you thought was right." he whispered sadly, knowing she would never act before thinking.

"I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It will be just like old times." she smiled, hopeful that he might agree.

For a moment Kaidan just stood there, her hands still in his, his eyes locked on hers. His heart screamed yes, he wanted to go with her; he couldn't let her be taken from him again. But his brain had a different speech, talking about duty and loyalty to the Alliance. Kaidan looked sadly at her, his heart torn apart by the choice he had to make because he knew no matter what he chose, it wouldn't be the good thing.

"I can't. I am an Alliance soldier. They need me." he said after an eternity, his eyes leaving hers to avoid seeing the pain in them.

"I need you, Kaidan. Please." she pleaded, choking back tears.

"I'm sorry, Sam. Please, be careful. With Cerberus, and with the Collectors." He bent down to kiss her tenderly. Tears were rolling on her cheeks; he brushed them gently with his fingers.

So many times he had prayed for this moment but it was not supposed to be like that. He knew they were meant to be together, something that felt so right couldn't end that way. But he couldn't trust Cerberus, he knew they were too dangerous. He thought he would have given anything to be with her but he realized he couldn't forget his convictions. There was a line he couldn't cross even for the one he loved.

As he turned and walked away from her he felt as if someone ripped his heart yet again. This time he knew his heart was not the only one broken, he knew hers was broken as well to see him turn his back on her.

"I love you." he whispered more to himself as he continued on his way, unaware that she heard him and whispered back to him, tears still rolling on her cheeks as she watched him leave.

OooooooooooO

Kaidan was lying on his bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, tears on his cheeks. Ever since he left he regretted saying no and walking out on her. He should be with her to protect her, not light-years away.

He didn't even know if it was his heart or brain that won when he walked away. Was he too emotional? Was his personal hate for Cerberus clouding his judgement, preventing him to see that sometimes the line has to be crossed for the greater good?

Or was he too rational when he tried to hide behind words like duty and honor? Did he truly believe the words that crossed his lips when he said the Alliance needed him? Sam was right; the Council wouldn't help against the Collector's threat. For the past two years they tried to hide the truth about Sovereign, accusing her of being brainwashed by Saren. And though Anderson tried his best, the Alliance wouldn't go against the Council.

Kaidan sighed as he knew he wouldn't find sleep that night. He got out of bed and headed to his terminal to start his report on the last mission. _Horizon_. His thoughts drifted to her and what happened on Horizon.

There was something he knew for sure. He couldn't let things end that way. That woman meant everything to him. Without her he was lost, unsure. Kaidan was tired of hiding behind a mask, hiding who he truly was.

He knew he couldn't undo what he had done but he could at least try to explain it to her. Before he could change his mind he decided to let his heart speak to her once more, just as he used to do a lifetime away.

_Samantha, _

_F__or two years I tried to move on, I tried to get over my guilt for leaving you on the Normandy when I should have been there with you. I tried to forget the pain caused by the void you left in my life when you were taken from me. _

_So many times I prayed to see you again, and there you were, just in front of me. So close but still unreachable. _

_There are so many things I wanted to tell you but I __didn't. You mean the world to me, Sam. I know I told you before but I want to tell you again; you make me feel human, for so many reasons. And I thank you, for everything you've ever done for me. Seeing you again has brought some life back in my heart. _

_Please be careful and come back__ safely from your mission. I've watched too many people close to me die. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. I know you can defeat the Collectors, I just wish the price to pay will not be too high. Cerberus can't be trusted. _

_I'm sorry for what happened on Horizon, I'm__ sorry things happened the way they did. I know I hurt you; I wanted to say yes and go with you but you have your duties and I have mine. I hope you will understand and forgive me someday for the hurt I've caused you. _

_I've always loved you, and I always will. When this is over, I'll be waiting for you__ if you still want to be with me. _

_Kaidan_

Kaidan's fingers hovered above the keyboard as he wondered if he should delete the message or send it. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pressed it. _No matter what happens now, she needs to know._

OooooooooooO

Kaidan was staring at his terminal, the words of his last report mixing together. He closed his eyes and massaged his temples.

"Commander, Councilor Anderson is ready to meet with you." his lieutenant informed him on the intercom.

"Thank you. Tell the Councilor I'll be there soon."

Kaidan rose from his seat and headed to the door. He stopped in the doorway when the terminal bipped, informing him he received a new message. He opened the terminal, his heart racing when he saw the subject.

_RE: About Horizon..._

He opened the message, unsure if he should read it right away. Maybe he should wait after the meeting but he wouldn't bear to wait without knowing, the message would be the only thing on his mind. Kaidan sat back and with shaky fingers he opened the message.

_Kaidan,_

_So many things should have been said on Horizon but they were not. I will not pretend it is easy or that it doesn't hurt, but I understand your decision not to accompany me. I understand it was difficult for you but I would like you to understand what it's been like for me. I woke up in that facility only to discover everyone I cared for believed me dead for two years and they all moved on. _

_I remember dying. I still can feel the fear of dying alone in space, the fear of losing you. The last thing I saw before closing my eyes was you, telling me you love me on the bridge with that air of finality in it. Maybe you knew what would happen and that's why you said it... Maybe I'm just being dramatic... _

_I know what Cerberus did, I will never forget. But they saved my life so I could save millions. I have to do it. I have to stop the Collectors, no matter what. I'm not asking you to trust them, only to trust me. You stood by my side when I stole the Normandy; you were ready to be charged with treason or anything else they would throw at us. Because you trusted me. I might have been dead for two years, Cerberus might be the ones who brought me back, but I am still the one I was. I am still the one you fell in love with. _

_I will be honest with you Kaidan, this is a suicide mission. I don't know if any of us will make it but I want you to know that I'll do everything I can to come back to you. __I have not forgotten what you told me on the Normandy, I never had the chance to give you the answer to that question you never asked. I have to live to give you that answer. _

_I love you too._

_Sam_

Kaidan turned off the terminal, a real smile spreading on his face as he made his way to his meeting with Councilor Anderson. If someone out there could defeat the Collectors and come back from a suicide mission, it was her. And Kaidan would be there for her, forever...


End file.
